When Self-Worth Is Rooted in Ego

Continued from yesterday…

…I had interpreted his comments as an attack on my identity. Struggling with the inescapable feeling that I may not be enough the way I am, the conversation had fueled my insecurities.

Derogatory comments that I heard when I first came to Canada and didn’t speak much English lived on decades later in my subconscious. And somehow, I also felt less about myself because I was an immigrant. Becoming a US citizen was a long and, at times, debasing process, and its aftereffect was still lingering deep inside me.

So my response was the ego’s counter-attack. I needed to win the argument for my self-worth to return. Instead, by turning it into an immigration issue and a criticism of the carmaker, I made myself a victim and my opponent a heartless salesperson who didn’t care for people like me.

I also had “successfully” argued my point and caused my opponent to become defensive and speechless, hence my feeling of superiority about my intelligence level and debating skills. I had reversed a loss into a win and had reason to celebrate. At least, so I thought because where the ego is, there’s always suffering if you wait long enough…

To be continued tomorrow…

Adapted from section 2 of Awakening To I Am Love by David Youngren