Never Absent From God

When I am depressed, I often wonder why I feel this way. I know God loves me. I know God has placed unique gifts and talents within me. I also know that God expects me to take action (but God will not force me to take action).

I know that I am never absent from God. Yet, I often freeze. I take no action. It is as if I would prefer to be depressed. Sometimes I am just plain scared to act.

Meeting people is difficult for me. I am anxious about approaching people I don’t know. I do not know why I feel this way. I just know that is the way it is. Sometimes I feel very alone. Often, I will isolate myself so I do not need to meet new people because doing so scares me. The truth is, however, I do want to meet new people.

I am also afraid to try new things. I will often avoid unfamiliar activities. I don’t know why I do this other than I just do. Again, however, the truth is I do want to try new things. I want my life to be exciting. I want to be free of this anxiety. I want to feel joy.

I watch my six-year-old son when he plays. He laughs spontaneously. He is not self-conscious about life. He just does it. He is free and alive. I want to feel joy like he does. I want to have my son’s freedom, to feel this same inner peace. If I can feel this same freedom, perhaps I will no longer have anxiety when I meet new people. If I have this same freedom, perhaps I will more easily try new things and feel the joy that is associated with fresh experiences.

I want to be happy, relax, laugh, let loose, express myself. I want to be confident and feel secure. I want to express my humanity. All of these expressions are contained within my true self. They just need to be freed.

Who is my true self? My true self is calm, content, and unafraid. It is filled with life. It experiences God’s love. But to become my true self is very difficult and requires ongoing struggle. According to Richard Rohr, we have to fall into our true self.

I need to fall out of my “self” into my true self. When I die to self, I awake to my true vocation. I become the self God intended me to be. The core of my true self is a deep knowing that I am beloved and cherished by God. That who I am and the choices I make matter to God.

Rich Lewis is an author, speaker and coach who focuses on centering prayer as a means of inner transformation. His book, Sitting with God: A Journey to Your True Self Through Centering Prayer (288 pages) is available now.